Neighborhood Threat

A GUIDE FOR HIPSTERS, THE CLUELESS, OR MICHELLE (WHO JUST MOVED HERE FROM OHIO).

1) Wait for bus at stop. There is no need to queue, but don't trample the mother and child who were waiting for 20 minutes before you got there. I know you are late for your bartending job. Wake up 15 minutes earlier next time.

2) When bus arrives, HAVE YOUR METROCARD READY. Do not stop at the fare box to rummage through your Brooklyn Industries messenger bag for your wallet. Have the damn thing out.

3) Wait for the idiots who are incapable of exiting the bus through the rear to slowly gather their belongings and make their way to the front door.

4) Enter the bus. If it's not crowded, consider taking a seat, unless you are only riding briefly. Taking a seat when there are empty seats leaves the center aisle clear. If it's not crowded, move to the rear or step to the side.

5) TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN BACKPACK. I recently saw a sign on the subway that said taking off your backpack on a crowded subway or train was as courteous as giving up your seat to a pregnant woman or the elderly. I know you won't do the latter (because you won't even notice their presence), but TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN PACK. Put it at your feet or slide it to the front. No one wants to get hit in the face with your bag.

6) If the bus becomes crowded at the next stop or so, MOVE YOUR ASS TO THE REAR. I don't care that you're reading your Paul Auster. Move back. That's right, all the way to the back. That way people can get on at the front. Move.

7) If you have no choice but to stand near the doorway, realize that people get off the bus at other places besides the subway. If they are clearly waiting to get off, GET OUT OF THEIR WAY. If you are not exiting the bus at a popular stop like Bedford and Driggs or near the 7 stop in LIC, it is acceptable to step off the bus briefly and then step back on. BUT GET OUT OF THE DAMN WAY, MORON. That goes for your enormous backpack.

7a) If it's outside of rush hour, that does not give you license to stand at the back door with your group of friends, blocking access to it, so you can continue to discuss whether or not you want to go to "the Nest". MOVE OUT OF THE GODDAMN WAY.

8) Make sure you have your crap together a minute or two before the bus reaches its stop. No one wants to wait for your lame ass to gather your bundles and get off the bus. If you are in the rear and there are other riders in your way, the way to make your intent clear is to clearly and loudly announce, "Getting off, please." The "please" is not optional, but I know it will be difficult. Try.

8a) If you are between someone who has announced, "Getting off, please," and the door, that means YOU ARE IN THEIR WAY AND YOU NEED TO STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND MOVE SO THEY CAN GET OFF THE BUS.

9) Unless the bus is crowded (and even then), YOU EXIT A BUS THROUGH THE REAR DOOR. By exiting the bus in the rear, you allow the people waiting for the bus to get on quickly and minimize the delay. Think about it.

Now, I know it can be difficult to comprehend that the door back there is capable of opening, even though you have likely seen the signs on the door directing you to PUSH YELLOW TAPE TO OPEN, and have seen other individuals use it. The driver does not control this door, you do. All you have to do is PUSH THE YELLOW TAPE, and the door will open with very little effort and stay open. Alternately, you can just push the door open, but why not do as instructed and PUSH THE YELLOW TAPE. Try it some time.

Stay tuned for: HOW TO RIDE THE SUBWAY