Neighborhood Threat

Dear New York City:

Let's face it: you know food. As a young child, I was taught at my father's knee that there were certain food items that one did not order outside of New York City, much less West of the Mississippi. I would test your culinary boundaries, but for the most part, my father's warnings held true. You elevate food, dining, and all related activities into an art form, or at the very least, a ritual.

This is why I am continually amazed at your inability to master the latte.

This morning I ordered a 16oz soy latte from a well-known establishment on Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg. I watched as the barista was juggling bagel orders while my espresso sat...and sat... and sat. My drink was handed to me with a note that if it was "too hot" I should let him know. That should have been my warning. It wasn't until i was outside and down the block that I realized that the drink wasn't too hot, it had been BURNT until it was bereft of any flavor whatsoever, it was so full that it exploded the minute I took the top off of it, there was nothing resembling the trademark latte foam, and that the soy milk had not been shaken with each use so what was in my drink was diluted down to the consistency of chalk water (and the taste of same was not far off).

My drink cost $4, not including the $1 tip (I lived in Seattle for nine years - I *tip* my barista). I would have been happier with a 60 cent coffee from my local bodega, the God Bless Deli & Grocery, and this is the establishment I will patronize in future.

I realize I am spoiled. In Seattle, the ANY DRINK, ANY FLAVOR, ANY SIZE $2.50 drive-through espresso stand near my house (which I affectionately referred to as "McLatte") made a better beverage than anything I have ever had in the New York metropolitan area. However, it seems like a simple issue: if you don't have someone on staff at all times that knows how to run an espresso machine properly, don't offer it on your menu. End of story.

In Seattle, one is accustomed to one's barista being a member of the local rock and roll community. I have fond memories of being served lattes by members of the Western State Hurricanes and the Murder City Devils, amongst others. Given the fact that the greater NYC metro area has more Future Rock Stars of America per block than any other area in the country, it is perplexing in the extreme that no one here can seem to make an espresso beverage worth drinking.

And don't even suggest the "S" word. Shame on you.

Warmest regards,

me.